The World Cup drinking game

Across the land big screen TVs are being hastily screwed to pub walls and livers are quaking in fear. It's the World Cup, and the matches are all in the evening our time. So, without further ado, we proudly present the Stoppage Time World Cup drinking game.

#102604072 / gettyimages.com

We hope you have fun with the game below, but please do be drink aware



The game is divided into four sections. Choose one, two or all four if you're feeling particularly brave stupid. Each event has a "measure" attached - it's up to you whether that's a sip, a measure or a chocolate for those hoping to feel OK in the morning.


Category One - Commentator Clichés

• 1 measure - Any comparison of the atmosphere to Carnival, or mention of "samba style"
• 1 measure - Any team ranked lower than their opponents are described as "plucky"
• 1 measure - For every jovial reference to the time difference, see e.g. "for those of you having your dinner at home"
• 2 measures - For every awkward silence when the local director cuts to an unknown dignitary in the crowd
• 2 measures - Clive Tyldesley waxes lyrical about a United player you thought was having a poor game
• 2 measures - Alan Green waxes lyrical about a Liverpool player you thought was having a poor game
• 10 measures - Any player plying their trade in the Championship gets anything more than a patronising aside

• 1 measure - The commentator needlessly explains the offside rule
• 2 measures - The commentator needlessly explains the golden goal rule, despite the fact it was abolished in 2004
• 3 measures - The commentator needlessly explains "sudden death" in a penalty shoot-out
• 50 measures - The commentator explains the theory of Quantum Entanglement, with reference to marking from a corner

Strangely I couldn't find any pictures taken of the back of this German midfielder's shirt

• 1 measure - You giggle when the commentator mentions Germany's Lars Bender
• 3 measures - The commentator giggles when he or she mentions Germany's Lars Bender
• 10 measures - The commentator manages a perfect double entrendre when the USA's Bobby Wood slide tackles French full back Rod Fanni

Category Two - Oh God England are playing

• 1 measure - The pundits in the studio disagree with Hodgson's lineup
• 1 measure - Someone mentions 1966
• 1 measure - Someone mentions Lampard's "goal that wasn't" in 2010
• 1 measure - Any England match that goes to extra time is accompanied by much joking about viewers calling in sick the next day
• 2 measures - Someone mentions 1970
• 2 measures - An England defender is compared to Bobby Moore
• 50 measures - Chris Smalling is compared to Bobby Moore

Extra points for the "no European country has ever won in South America" cliche

• 1 measure - An England defeat is blamed on the heat
• 1 measure - An England defeat is blamed on the manager
• 2 measures - An England defeat is blamed on the referee
• 3 measures - An England defeat is blamed on a particular player
• 10 measures - An England defeat is accepted as fair considering we're not that good

• 1 measure - Wayne Rooney scores
• 2 measures - Wayne Rooney gets sent off
• 3 measures - Wayne Rooney scores and gets sent off

• The rest of the bottle - England go out on penalties

Category Three - Johnny Foreigner and other stereotypes 

• 1 measure - Any of the following country/ cliché pairings 



She'll be on telly (Image by geisagholian)

• African goalkeepers are rubbish
• Argentina are temperamental
• Belgium is famous for waffles, Tintin and nothing else
• East European teams are "technically very good"
• "You should never write off the Germans"
• Greece are a threat in the air
• Japan are not a threat in the air
• The Netherlands always blow it
• Portugal's only good player is Cristiano Ronaldo
• "The hard-working South Korean side"
• The Swiss are precise/efficient/like clockwork



He won't (Image by By Jos van Zetten)

• The USA have only won one notable match - versus England in 1950

• 1 measure - Cameraman zooms in on gorgeous Brazilian women in the stand
• 2 measures - Cameraman zooms in on gorgeous Colombian women in the stand
• 10 measures - Cameraman zooms in on French woman with hairy armpits

Category Four - Pundit Bingo

• 1 measure - The only player for a more obscure nation who plays in the Premiership being continually singled-out for analysis, regardless of his impact on the game
• 1 measure - Someone on the BBC spends far too long explaining some finer point of defending
• 1 measure - Someone on ITV spends far too long explaining that scoring goals is a useful way of winning the game
• 1 measure - A former striker thinks the contentious decision is a "stonewall penalty"
• 1 measure - A former defender thinks the same decision is "never a penalty in a million years"
• 1 measure - A former goalkeeper complains about the official World Cup ball

Too light/heavy/hard/soft/swervy - delete as applicable (Image by Football.ua)

• 1 measure - A Scottish or Welsh pundit is less than kind to England, probably with justification
• 1 measure - The tabloids get inexplicably furious about said pundit expressing his views as he is paid to do

• 2 measures - Adrian Chiles is insufferably smug (WARNING: SERIOUS HEALTH RISK IF THIS RULE IS USED)
• 2 measures - Gary Linker ends a broadcast with a bad joke (WARNING: YOU WILL SUFFER LIVER FAILURE IF YOU USE THIS RULE)

Have fun and enjoy the World Cup! AS the tournament progresses, share your additions to the game in the comments below. Bonus internet points to anyone who photographs playing the game and posts the photos on our Facebook site...